A look back.. Before we begin..

I would like to be one of them people who can say, I feel for you, but have no idea what it's like to have a preemie, or to loose a child or to have a miscarriage. But I can't say that. I can say, I don't think those are the feelings you wish upon anyone.. Or shall I say, you don't wish the experience upon anyone.

I still remember the the experience as if it just happened to me yesterday..

My first "experience" (2003) was having a miscarriage at 10 weeks pregnant. The emptiness I felt filled me inside at the time, and it took me a bit to get over that. At that time in my life it was the worst feeling I had ever felt. Then came 2005.. I found out I was pregnant again, and as scared as I was, at the same time I was so excited. Chuck guessed right away (as he did the first time too) and we were both so happy. Finally a chance to be a family again, and this time it was going to be ok. Well everything went A-OK until I hit 20 weeks.. I remember that day so clear. I was excited, I had made it past the miscarriage phase and was in the clear. I got up that morning, went to work, and came home at 6 or so like any other day. When I got home Chuck was at work and I did the usual this and that until it was time to pick him up at 10pm.
It was about 9pm and I decided to watch some TV for a bit before i left and relax cause I was feeling very tired and blah all of a sudden. Then 9:30 came and i got up put my shoes on and headed out to go get the Mr at work. I picked him up and when he got in t he car looked at me and said are you ok you look tired you feeling ok.. I said the usual I'm fine (cause i was) and that I was a bit tired and achy. We were suppose to meet up with friends to play pool for a bit but I chose to go home and told Chuck to go. When we got home, I went to bed and he was going to stay home with me but I insisted he go out, I'd be ok once I got some sleep. Well midnight came and I woke up feeling this weird feeling that kept coming and going evey 10 to 15 mins or so. My first thought was this can't be contractions, for 1. I am only 19 weeks & 6 days and for 2. if this is what they feel like they why do people scream so much.. I waited a bit and they didn't go away so I called my mom and asked her what contractions felt like. Her responce was WHY???
Once she explained, she advised me to call the doctor and call her back, so I did. My doc was paged and called me. i told her what was going on and she said to be on the safe side, i should come in to the Labor and Delivery Dept and see her, or I could wait til tomorrow morning but she would feel better if I came now. So i called Chuck, he drove home (probably going 100) and picked me up. Then driving about 150 he got me to the hospital with out killing any of us. lol
I got to the L&D dept, checked in, and they strapped a contraction monitor to me. Of course nothing was showing up so we just layed there waiting. The feelings kept coming and going but very very sporaticly and of course nothing showed up on that stupid machine (i still think to this day it was broken) My doc came in and talked to me. All seemed ok and nothing was registering so maybe it was just a false alarm. She decided to finger check me on a whim. (She admits she wasn't going to but is glad she did) WELL guess who was dialated 4cm.. YES ME!!
I had dialated and my bag was buldging so there course of action wans to tilt me in bed feet higher then head to try to get the bag to retract and keep me in the hospital til term.
Well that plan didn't last very long. I was allowed to only get up to go the bathroom and sit up to eat (if you want to call that sitting up) But those are the rules to keep my baby where he needed to be, so I was all set to stay in the hospital and in bed for a very very long time. (my due date was Nov 9th) Well about 12 hrs later I had gotten up to pee (this was probably my 3rd time going since being put in bed) and when i went there was blood when I wiped myself.. My first reaction was to cry, and inside I was scare as hell.. I got back into bed and called the nurse right away. I told Chuck and then the nuse came in and I told her. She said she'd get the doc. My doc comes in and checks me again. My cervix is getting mushy and ready for delivery... WHAT, delivery, I can't deliver this baby.. Then she tells me that I am now 7cm dialated... Inside I know this is it.. I begin to cry and ask what is going to happen to my baby boy..
As the nurses gawk at me not knowing what to say, I hear one of them wisper to the other one "if only she was 24 weeks then that baby would have a chance".. I begin to cry more. My doc comes in and explains what is happening and what is going to happen. They have a doc from BostonMedical come in to explain to me about the baby and what he will look like and basicly the fact that he will not survive. To be honest, at this point alot of what they said just blured together. I was officially in shock and denial. There had to be someone who could save him.
As the next hour went on the doctors told me that my baby would look like a baby just very little but because he was only 20 weeks at this point, there was nothing they could do. Then i heard it again, but from the doctor, he had to be 24 weeks before they would work on him. At 20 weeks he is just to tiny, to frail, and too imature.. The even harder part was knowing he would be born alive and there was not going to be a damn thing I could do to keep him that way.
They kept checking the baby's heart rate telling me he was doing well but that didn't comfort me when I knew what the outcome was going to be. The night went on andthe contractions got stronger. Then because i was leaking amniotic fluid the doctor induced me and I went into full labor. Now I know why women scream. Chuck was by my side for the entire time and so was my mom. The time came and the doc told me to push. I pushed twice and on June 23, 2005 at 5:25pm Charles Preston Russell III was born. He was 15 ounces and 9 1/2 inches long. They swaddled him up and gave him to me to hold. I fell in love.. He was so little and had no hair yet but he was mine.
God I remember it all just like it just happened. We nicknamed him "Chase" since daddy was already a Chuck, and the name just fit him. I let Chuck hold him, which believe it or not was so hard to do. i didn't want to let him go. i knew we only had moments with him. My mom held him after that and gave him back to me. Then I held him as he held on to my finger, took a breath and passed away. As i type this I'm crying and feel the pain all over again. The birth of my son was the best and worst day of my life. We created life and got to see our little boy and had him taken away from us all within minutes it seemed. At 5:56pm Chase was pronouced.
They will let you hold him for a while longer after the fact, which til this day I can't say if that is good or bad. All I know is I had him in my arms forover an hour and I didn't want to give him back. I knew I'd never see him again..

And then life goes on... Harsh words I know..

For me it didn't go on so quickly.. It took me a long time to get back into the swing of things. After Chase's funeral I went to the cemetary everyday for months. And I still go more often then most people would. After this experience, I was changed. The world was not the same and I gave up in believing life was fare. That talk about carma and destiny was a bunch of bull.
Many months I was angery and depressed. I couldn't comprehend how something so terrible could happen and everyone in life was still moving on like life was great. That's when you realize the world moves on with or with out you.

Eventually I let go of a lot of the anger and realized there was nothing I could do to change it. That Chase will always be my son, and is now forever my angel. And I slowly started to live life again.. This is what brings us here..