June 25, 2006

Happy 2 weeks Peanut!!!
Aiden looks so much better! We are battling a lot of hurdles and I'm trying to stay as positive as possible. If not for Chuck always watching out for me too, i think I'd be in pieces by now. I feel bad, he's doing double duty. Worring about Aiden and me. Part of me feels selfish because althought I worry about him I focus all my energy on the baby.

Aiden's test blood culturs came back and there positive for a yeast infection. This is not good. I feel like every time something comes back or we get news it's bad news lately... Why does this keep happening... WHY????

They have started him on a antifungal med now too, because he now has a yeast infection. This could be trouble. You should of seen there faces when they said "yeast infection". It's something we take for granted because it is such an easy fix, but for a baby, and a baby this tiny, it could take there life. Right now I am so very scared..
i am hoping the cultures from today will come back as a negitive, since the positive ones where from the 22nd and 23rd, but i'll assume it will take a while to see results.

My head is spinning again.. there is just so much going on.. The NEC, are the drains working? Is he still going to have to have surgery? How is all this going to pan out? So many questions and we have no answers.
They have up'ed his fentanol for pain, puthim back on the dopermine for his blood pressure which is helping him pee (Yay..) and another issue is the pik line. With the yeast infection, the yeast will attach to the plastic the line is made of, I guess yeast loves plastic, so they may have to take it out. That poses another problem. Aiden's nutrition goes through that line, it's bad enough he can't get my milk yet and with the NEC we have no idea when he will be able to eat so the pik line is really valuable for so many reasons. A nurse mentioned to me tonight that if the pik line goes and he doesn't get rid of the yeast infection she doesn't think he will do well getting nutrition through a normal IV. Great just what I wanted to hear. I almost yelled at her to go take care of her own baby and leave mine to his own nurse please, but I held my tongue.

Please don't let that line go.. Please let the yeast go away. Please let the NEC clear up and the holes heal themselves.. This is what I keep saying over and over with hope someone hears me.. Just let our baby be ok...

Another milestone.. Aiden opened his eyes today...

It's now our night visit which has turned into an overnight. Aiden is really sick. The yeast infection has not gotten better and his O2 levels dropped he was dsat'ing fast and he was on at 100%. They now had to put him back on the jet vet. This is the one that makes him vibrate and gives him 420 tiny puffs of air a minute. I tell myself atleast it is not the osilating vent, but it still doesn't make me feel any better.
They are now watching his blood pressure to as they give him a transfusion, pump in pain meds, antibiotics, and it seems like 1000 other things.. The worry keeps building and all I can do is sit by his bedside and cling to the bit of hope I have left..
Chuck was trying to get me to go home, i was so tired, i hadn't been sleeping good, but then Cat asked if we are staying the night. In her opinion she said we should (she didn't say it but I knew she didn't think Aiden was going to make it) So Chuck went home to get some things and I sat with Aiden. I sat there and silently pleaded with god. if you have ever listened to me let it be now. Give Aiden the strength to get through this and be ok. Don't take my baby boy away..
My heart is breaking as I sit here knowing there is nothing I can do. i can't help at all, just sit here and watch and hope. How long does this go on? Will the end of the NICU road be a good day? Will Aiden ever get to come home with us? So many questions and only time will answer them. i ask myself all the time, why us, or more so why Aiden? He didn't ask to be here and sure to hell does not deserve this! NO BABY DOES!!

Chuck asked me today if I was planning for Aiden not to come home. I guess a comment I made gave that impression. It's not what i intended to mean, but the thought does cross my mind. i think that is normal but it's not what I want or hope for.
Aiden is my heart right now. A piece of it belongs to Chase, a piece of it to Chuck and the rest is consumed by my wee one. It kells me to sit here and see him like this, but I know I have no control over this. Time is the player here. One day at a time, or for right now it's one hour at a time.