October 13, 2006

We toured the two rehabs today, and I have to say, one of them we didn't like at all. It was just not what I thought it would be and not very "kid friendly" from my view. It is not a place I would want Aiden. I am sure what they do there is great for some kids and babies but it is not the place I want to place him, and neither does Chuck. The second place I liked a lot better. Chuck was still on the side line about it. If he had to choose then it would be the second place we saw and not the first, but in all honesty, we'd rather just have him home and not have to go to either. He has another swallow study on Wednesday, and by then we will have our decision made. In a way I think I have already made my decision, I am just waiting for Chuck to voice what he thinks and back me. With that said, I've decided to let Aiden get the G-tube placment if CHuck agrees with me. After all the talking I've done with doctors and nurses and a friend I met months ago at the NICU who's little boy also has a G-tube, i've come to realize I am not so scared of it and that Aiden could really benifit from it. There is that long shot that he could have it for years, and I have to say at this point, so be it. If it helps him grow and be healthy and happy then I will do it.
As for his "bug" he has strep B so they changed his antibiotic again and he will get it for 7 days. Then no more bugs, no more IV's and it's time to move forward. This means, plans to fix his hernia (which come to find out is not as bad as they thought it was, and he only has one in his private area not two) YAY..
From what I am told they will do the hernia fix, and the G-tube placement all at the same time. They will also circumcise him at the same time too.. A 3 for 1 deal, and that way he won't feel anything cause he will be put out, and he will not have to go for more then one operation, which is better for him... The road is getting closer, and this I am thankful for.
I do have to say I broke down today. I felt like I was cracking and just lost it in the car when we got home. All these decisions to make for Aiden, and what to do, on top of family issues, work, bills, and making ends meet. Some days I feel like I have the weight of the world sitting on my shoulders. It's hard and today I just felt it all, I felt like I couldn't breath and I was just all alone. I get scared that what I am choosing is not the right things, that I am some what in control of this innocent little person and I don't know if what I am doing is best for him.
I thank Chuck for pulling me back together today. For letting me stress out and cry and wrapping me back up so i don't become unglued. He laughed when I told him I didn't break, I just got a hair line fracture. I know I have to be strong for Aiden, and I will be, we are close to the end, I can't lose it now, but for a moment I just needed to release.
I will say this, one of the rehabs mentioned something about Aiden being there for months.. Not days, not weeks, MONTHS... In that case, YES people, I would crack. I would be in a padded room, medicated.. That i could not handle. Three to four more months of this would just mess up my head, not to mention, break my heart. Aiden is 4 months old and I can't imagine him living the first 8 months of his life in a hospital setting. There is just no way...
What ever it takes I will do, but I am bringing my baby boy home, and soooooon!!! Like in weeks, no months..

Thank you everyone who has been a shoulder to lean on and an ear to fill. Thank you to every one who has prayed for Aiden and thought about us through out there daily grind. It truly means a lot. I want to take this moment to ask all of you to not only pray for Aiden tonight but pray for my uncle to have a safe journey to heaven. He was my moms little brother and passed away a few days ago. I can only say that I take peace in the fact that now he doesn't have to fight the battle he was fighting and won't feel any more pain. We love you Uncle Richie...
Say Hi to my little man up there and know that we all love you.