September 2, 2006

I feel guilty.. Today is the first day ever, since Aiden was born, that I have not gone into see him.
I feel like a terrible mom. I hate this feeling. i woke up this morning and was having a normal day, and then it was like postpartum set in.. Gloom set over me and I was just miserable. I'm fustrated i can't find a dresser for the babies room that matches and that I like, besides the fact I have no money to buy one either, and I hate using my credit cards. Well I guess it started building up and well I got in a mood and just felt sad. So I ended up taking a nap at about 6 or so. When i got up I was a little better but still chose to stay home. I know Aiden won't know the difference, as in the amount of time it's been since I was there last, but I still feel horrible.
I've called to check on him a few times and he is doing good. He's still on the vent because he's not breathing over it yet, he's still really sleepy, so they won't take him off it and put him back on nasal canula until he has "more energy". That is fine, and I agree with them, I don't want him rushed, which is also why he didn't go for the GI study today. To take him off the vent after having hours of laser yesterday and send him for a GI study would just be too much too fast. His nurse thought the same thing and advised the doctors today to just let him be and wait until Tuesday. We want the study and we want him to eat, but that last thing I wasnt is a set back because he was rushed. Aiden will tell us when he is ready to come off it and breath on his own. I think he just needs resting time. Another reason why I didn't go in today. I can't bare to see him on that stupid vent anymore. Not able to have his little voice and move his head around. It makes me cry. And I know he needs to just be left alone and sleep to over come what they did yesterday. He won't know the difference of one day, only I will.
He's also become more puffy and retaining fluid even more then before, i am hoping that it's just cause right ow his body is tired and in a few days he will be back to himself.
I just miss him so much right now. I walk in his room and it feels so empty. Besides still missing so many things, the major thing it's missing is him. I just want my baby boy to come home and be healthy. One day at a time, just please someone show me the light at the end of this tunnel. Every time I think we are getting closer, the tunnel gets longer. I know he's not going to be home my his due date, or Oct 1st. We are now hoping for the 15th, but that seems like a long shot. I think the 80 plus days of being at the NICU is taking it's toll.