It's been a rough week.. We had pop's wake (my dad) on Thursday. Aiden and I went down to my moms after I got a sitter for the girls on Monday and saw my dad before they took him away. Aiden as he always did went over to him and kissed him. It broke my heart!
We came home that night and then the kids and I went down on Wednesday and stayed until Sunday. I took this week off from work too. I am so physically and mentally exhausted. Sunday night I went to bed early but it took me a while to fall asleep. I kept waking up so in the morning I was still so tired. I set my alarm to go to work and slept through it. By the time I got up and could function it was too late to attempt to get ready and make it to work in time. I figured since I had to take off Wed for Aiden's GI check up and then I was already taking Thursday and Friday off to go back down to moms and spend with her, what was the point of going to work for just tuesday so i took the week off. I'd like to say it will give me time to rest but with three little ones it doesn't ever seem that real rest is possible. Tonight I did however get a few hours to watch a movie and it was nice to just forget about everything for two hours, not have any crying babies and just veg out. Thank you to Chucks parents for taking the kids. They are going to watch them Sunday too for a few hours so me and Chuck can go to a movie. It will be nice to spent time with just me and him. I miss him, and we don't ever seem to have any alone time at all any more.
Before I was down at my moms as much as I could be with the kids so my dad could spend time with Aiden. I'm grateful he got that before he passed. He loved that little boy and Aiden always made him smile. Now with him gone, I want to spend as much time with my mom as I can until things settle a bit. It's going to take her a while to get back into the swing of things. She was with my dad for 31 years and 90% of everything she did was to take care of him. If it was making dinner or getting his meds ready. Running to the store or takign his blood sugar readings. Everything my mom did was for my dad and it's going to be so different and so quiet with out him. I still wait for him to be there when I get there. To wake up and have it all be a dream. It's weird and although he isn't with us anymore I'm not ready to say good buy yet. I have my pictures and I look at them like he is still here and it's not registering completely that i won't see him again. It hurts and it kills me even more to see my mom go through it.
I can't imagine. I know what it felt like when I lost Chase and I only had him alive for 27 minutes, I can't imagine having him and being with him every moment of 31 years and then it all being over and him being gone.
My heart broke when I lost Chase, it's still broken, and it hurts to think about. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him and want him here with me.
I know my mom will never forget and a part of her will be changed forever, I just hope she is ok at the end of all this. I could not imagine her not being here with me. She is my best friend, my everything, she is my mommy and I only hope my children will love me like I love her. She is the one who made me who I am and I would not be the same with out her.
As for my dad, we had many differences and he was a hard parent to grow up with. At times life was aweful, but in the end he was my dad and for that I love him, and I miss him. I hope now he is in a better place with out all the suffering he had while he was here.
RIP Dad.. I love you and I will miss you and I promise I will remind Aiden of you often. Watch over mom and tell Chase I love him so much.
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4 comments:
Wow. What a beautiful and emotional post. There are really no words that can ease your pain or help in anyway - but can I tell you I am thinking of you constantly. You are an amazing person, mother and wife. I can only imagine how proud of you your dad was and is. Thank god your dad was able to share in the love of Aiden and the girls. Please let me offer my condolences and tell you what a strong and admirable woman you are. XOXO Jen in Canada.
As your godmother I can very much agree with Jen. You are an amazing person. Your love, will power and determination pulses in the very core of your being. I have loved you from the moment I first held you. I have blessed you, watched you grow, have been a confidant and friend. You are a beautiful person both outwardly as within. I can attest to the fact that your strong character is from your mother. Both of you have always found the courage and strength to move forward in the face of adversity. Continue to be her strength, especially now, as she has always been and will continue to be for you. My heart hurts for the both of you and I will continue to send my prayers upward for you. Love you lots! ~ Gommie ~
Oh Jess, my heart breaks for you. It sounds like you have a very similar relationship with your Dad that I have with mine. He's a much better grandparent than he ever was as a parent and that makes our relationship a little better. I still can't call him up on the phone just to chit chat like I do with my mother but I can be alone in a room with him again now and we can actually talk.
It always amazes me to see how good he is with Ari and in the back of my mind it makes me wonder if he regrets what he did to my brother and I over the years?
But I also know how lost I would be, and especially my mother would be, if something happened to him so he'll get extra hugs from me this weekend.
I'm so sorry to read you are hurting and I hope that, with time, you find peace. I will keep all of you in my prayers and good thoughts - if you need anything at all, please let me know!
Jen
I'm sorry about the loss of your father. Your post has me in tears. It's so moving how much you still think of Chase and I hope you can find a little peace in your father's passing since you know he will be there with Chase.
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